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May 23 2018

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stealthboy:

stealthboy:

fun fact: the infamous hell is real sign is about halfway between where I go to college and my moms house, so it’s become common practice to text her an out of context “hell is real” message to let her know I’m getting close when I visit

And if that’s not the best summary of Ohio I don’t know what is

moms coming to visit

a-dull-glow:

apostatively:

systlin:

voidspacer:

My roomba is scared of thunderstorms

I was sitting at my desk just a few minutes ago, drawing, and a really loud crack of thunder went off–no power surges or anything, just thunder–and my roomba fled from its dock and started spinning in circles

I currently now have an active roomba sitting quietly on my lap

Humans will pack bond with anything. 

I had a teenage girl come into my tea shop with her mother the other night. She purposely grabbed a teamaker in the most crunched-up looking box on the shelf (got banged around in shipment) and carried it protectively over to the counter. “If something’s in a damaged box I have to get it because I’m afraid no one else will love it,” she laughed nervously.

Not only will humans pack bond with anything, the empathy level of adolescent girls in particular likely has puppy-saving, world hunger-solving, war-ending powers.

I once saw a really bumpy lime at the grocery store, just a real ugly fruit. Later that night my boyfriend & I were driving home from rehearsal at like 11:30pm & passed the grocery store & I stared crying & he said “is it that lime? Do you want to go back and get it?” And I nodded and pulled the car around and bought the lime.

May 21 2018

how to grow the fuck up

apparentjpg:

Home

Money

Health

Emergency

Job

Travel

Better You

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dragon-in-a-fez:

this bitch empty, TWEET

loudie:

my mama got home today and she was so excited. she said she got me a present, so then i was excited too. i had no idea what she got me. she said ‘close your eyes and put your hands out’, so i did. and then i felt her put something in my hands. i opened my eyes and

“i saw it and it was chubby and you called a frog ‘big boy’ last night and i had to get it! it’s big boy!”

May 20 2018

biggest-gaudiest-patronuses:

wutheringdyke:

megagrandstudentjellyfish:

wutheringdyke:

Do you wanna hear one of the funniest fucken stories?

Pls do tell

So in my town there is this emo satanist community and at some point a really influential emo dude called Raven lived here. Like every emo in Romania knew him because he was somehow the edgiest of them all. He was also a gigantic incel, but still tried to flirt with every goth girl on sight. At some point when he was in his last year of high school, before leaving for college, he tried to hit on an 11 yo girl(gross). It made her rlly uncomfortable. What Raven didn’t know was that this girl’s cousin was the strongest dude in town-2 meters tall, super bulky, literally looked like a mountain. So the girl told her buff cousin what Raven looked like, and one time, while Buff guy was at work, he spotted Raven. Now, funny enough, Buff Guy worked at a children’s playground, and he was dressed up as a clown that day. So he just walked up to Raven, patted him on the shoulder and asked: “Have you ever been beaten up by a clown?” and Raven said, “N-no”. To which Buff Guy replied :“It’s fine. Because you will be.”

there is no possible way to predict the many directions this post took

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your-werewolf-boyfriend:

m0uthslikesidewindermissiles:

campfireharvest:

This is obviously fake, pinecone are not hard to swallow

Most people think that pinecones are hard to swallow, but it’s actually because they’ve only ever tried swallowing them using their throat.

Hey, quick question. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN

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endlesskng:

ruinedchildhood:

Daniel Radcliffe on set of Guns Akimbo

what the fuck

trustme-im-a-pirate:

mindblownie:

annabellioncourt:

idrils:

i see your ‘nowhere in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty was an egg’ and raise you ‘nowhere in the legendarium does tolkien say that elves have pointed ears’

Mary Shelley didn’t give the monster bolts.

Arthur Conan Doyle never put Holmes in a deer stalker (also “elementary my dear Watson” is never said in the books, and he doesn’t smoke a curved pipe)

There are boys at Beauxbatons and girls at Durmstrang schools

Edgar Allan Poe wrote the earliest essay on the big bang theory

#reality is an illusion

fuck this site I thought the tv show for the briefest of seconds and the shit machine in my skull thought “quoth the raven ‘Bazongo”

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the-queen-of-thedas:

Now that’s the best feedback you can get

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gallusrostromegalus:

rinnosaurus-rex:

@gallusrostromegalus I saw this at the store yesterday and thought of you. 😁

#287 of my life goals is to have a Giant Metal Chicken in my yard, possibly in a slightly hidden location to startle people.  Ideally, I will hook it up to a motion sensor and a speaker and have it play something loud and inappropriate, like the T-Rex noise from Jurassic Park or “Scotland The Brave”, to scare off the rabbits.

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homiedepot:

melymbrosia:

Why would u celebrate ur child being a Gemini

Not a celebration, a warning

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mushydudethatispanandtrans:

weavemama:

imagine being one of the most powerful people in the world and having the audacity to tweet some useless shit like that 

May 19 2018

just-shower-thoughts:

A brick is just a domesticated rock.

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flippyspoon:

Chelsea was all our moms today.

May 17 2018

onion-souls:

spookyscaryskeletitties:

tarradash:

sparkylurkdragon:

cerastes:

biggest-gaudiest-patronuses:

tropiyas:

“i am a monument to all your sins” is such a fucking raw line for a villain it’s amazing that it came from halo, a modernish video game, and not some classical text or mythos

classic texts have nothing on the crazy people come up with in modern times tbh

“I survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the fire around me.”

– Joshua Graham, Who Is A Fallout New Vegas NPC, Something Most People Throwing This Quote Around Don’t Realize

“If the world chooses to become my enemy, I will fight like I always have.”

– Shadow the Hedgehog in what is widely considered one of if not the single worst game in the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise

this is the source for this text and it haunts me on a regular basis

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mxkehappy:

left brain right brain but it’s bo burnham and john mulaney

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neglectedrainbow:

solidarity always 💙

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